Future In The Past

Statistically speaking, you have a 5% chance of being part of a threesome with two monkeys, in the future. A snake will most likely be watching. Chances increase slightly if you dress one of the monkeys in a sailor hat. 5% or 6% chance.

You run a 83.5% chance of ruining your eyesight, in the future. As low-radiation LCD (liquid crystal displays, not to be confused with LSD or crystal meth) and plasma screens replace the cathode-ray tubes of old, people will have to find other ways to ruin their eyesight. Paper airplanes will remain a popular form of eyeball destruction, meth labs will continue to explode, and law enforcement agencies will begin replacing tazers with laser and plasma beam weaponry. Especially around Olympia, Washington, people will continue to drop LSD directly on their eyeballs. Given all of these factors, chance remains high. 83.5% chance.

You have a 95% chance of creating your own custom T-shirt, in the future. T-shirts will start being made out of recycled corn-silk, drastically lowering the cost and making custom T-shirt ownership possible for all of mankind. Ink will also be cheaper, as people recycle the millions of awful tattoos they received in the early part of the millennium. 95% chance.

You have a 40% chance of launching your dog into space, in the future. After a life of torment and mistreatment by your very own hands, your dog fought back and mauled your face, causing massive blood loss, although non-life-threatening. You will see no other option than to launch it into deep space. 40% chance.

You have a 97% chance of having your whole body scanned by atomic rays, in the future. Authorities are already cracking down on drug-mules and suicide bombers with surprising regularity. In the future, whole generations will grow up without the benefit of easy access to X-Ray glasses due to the Volmstead Act passed in the future. These generations will make up the vast majority of law enforcement officials, who will all be craving a peep show, and not know why. 97% chance.