Future In The Past

You have an 8% chance of being arrested for child abuse, in the future. The United States vs. Abernathy vs. Ostrycharz Supreme Court case (also in the future), will make it illegal for parents to prohibit children of any age to own and operate portable communication devices, including cellular telephony devices, walkie-talkies, and webcam-enabled Fisher-Price netbooks. It will be very hard to get away with feeding your kids whatever you have on hand, and they might just call the cops on you. 8% chance.

You have a 1.6% chance of becoming the first human to get a disease formerly known to only affect the fruits of plants. Congratulations, you are the missing link, kinda. Chances for a successful therapy are unknown, but strapping biomedical devices to yourself in conspicuous places will increase your chances of scoring with drunk singles. Simply harboring the pathogen is a simple, 1.6% chance.

Statistically speaking, you have a 5% chance of being part of a threesome with two monkeys, in the future. A snake will most likely be watching. Chances increase slightly if you dress one of the monkeys in a sailor hat. 5% or 6% chance.

You run a 83.5% chance of ruining your eyesight, in the future. As low-radiation LCD (liquid crystal displays, not to be confused with LSD or crystal meth) and plasma screens replace the cathode-ray tubes of old, people will have to find other ways to ruin their eyesight. Paper airplanes will remain a popular form of eyeball destruction, meth labs will continue to explode, and law enforcement agencies will begin replacing tazers with laser and plasma beam weaponry. Especially around Olympia, Washington, people will continue to drop LSD directly on their eyeballs. Given all of these factors, chance remains high. 83.5% chance.

You have a 95% chance of creating your own custom T-shirt, in the future. T-shirts will start being made out of recycled corn-silk, drastically lowering the cost and making custom T-shirt ownership possible for all of mankind. Ink will also be cheaper, as people recycle the millions of awful tattoos they received in the early part of the millennium. 95% chance.

You have a 40% chance of launching your dog into space, in the future. After a life of torment and mistreatment by your very own hands, your dog fought back and mauled your face, causing massive blood loss, although non-life-threatening. You will see no other option than to launch it into deep space. 40% chance.

You have a 97% chance of having your whole body scanned by atomic rays, in the future. Authorities are already cracking down on drug-mules and suicide bombers with surprising regularity. In the future, whole generations will grow up without the benefit of easy access to X-Ray glasses due to the Volmstead Act passed in the future. These generations will make up the vast majority of law enforcement officials, who will all be craving a peep show, and not know why. 97% chance.

You have a .002% chance of breeding space animals, in the future. The difficulty of locating a space animal is tremendous… Locating two will prove to be more difficult. Convincing the two space animals to hook up… unlikely. .002% chance.

You have a 3% chance of becoming the man of the century, in the future. Clearly this won’t happen to you if your a woman. On the other hand, if you’ve slept with 10 times your fair share of women and have a striking haircut paired with good facial hair, odds are in your favor. 3% chance

You have a 9% chance of training your dog to scuba dive, in the future. Your clever dog is known for reeling in tail for you on dry land (such as the park). When it comes to scoring with ladies in the drink, you don’t have such success… Once you’ve trained your dog into full fledged dive master, your aqua bird hunting skills will be unstoppable, 9%

You have a 31% chance of becoming the owner of a foam car, in the future. Wooden cars have become retro, metal cars are metal, girls don’t fit in your Daewoo… foam parties are more your speed. What better way to roll up to a future foam party than in your own foam car. 31% chance