Future In The Past

You have a 60% chance of driving a vehicle fueled by sugar, in the future. Not that anyone is busy inventing this right now, but if it is invented, rental car agencies will begin buying fleets of sugar fueled cars. Since it is highly likely you will be renting a car in the future as well, you have a pretty high chance of getting to drive one. Note that owning a foam car in no way affects your future chances of driving a sugar powered car.

You have a 28% chance of finding yourself in this predicament. To break it down further, you have a 78% chance of being in a frying pan. You then have a 50% chance of getting out of the frying pan. If you make it out of the frying pan, you have a 50% chance of landing right in the fire. 19.5% chance. If you have any moth DNA in you, chances jump up to 39%.

You have an 8% chance of being arrested for child abuse, in the future. The United States vs. Abernathy vs. Ostrycharz Supreme Court case (also in the future), will make it illegal for parents to prohibit children of any age to own and operate portable communication devices, including cellular telephony devices, walkie-talkies, and webcam-enabled Fisher-Price netbooks. It will be very hard to get away with feeding your kids whatever you have on hand, and they might just call the cops on you. 8% chance.

You have a 1.6% chance of becoming the first human to get a disease formerly known to only affect the fruits of plants. Congratulations, you are the missing link, kinda. Chances for a successful therapy are unknown, but strapping biomedical devices to yourself in conspicuous places will increase your chances of scoring with drunk singles. Simply harboring the pathogen is a simple, 1.6% chance.

Statistically speaking, you have a 5% chance of being part of a threesome with two monkeys, in the future. A snake will most likely be watching. Chances increase slightly if you dress one of the monkeys in a sailor hat. 5% or 6% chance.

You run a 83.5% chance of ruining your eyesight, in the future. As low-radiation LCD (liquid crystal displays, not to be confused with LSD or crystal meth) and plasma screens replace the cathode-ray tubes of old, people will have to find other ways to ruin their eyesight. Paper airplanes will remain a popular form of eyeball destruction, meth labs will continue to explode, and law enforcement agencies will begin replacing tazers with laser and plasma beam weaponry. Especially around Olympia, Washington, people will continue to drop LSD directly on their eyeballs. Given all of these factors, chance remains high. 83.5% chance.

You have a 95% chance of creating your own custom T-shirt, in the future. T-shirts will start being made out of recycled corn-silk, drastically lowering the cost and making custom T-shirt ownership possible for all of mankind. Ink will also be cheaper, as people recycle the millions of awful tattoos they received in the early part of the millennium. 95% chance.

You have a 40% chance of launching your dog into space, in the future. After a life of torment and mistreatment by your very own hands, your dog fought back and mauled your face, causing massive blood loss, although non-life-threatening. You will see no other option than to launch it into deep space. 40% chance.

You have a 97% chance of having your whole body scanned by atomic rays, in the future. Authorities are already cracking down on drug-mules and suicide bombers with surprising regularity. In the future, whole generations will grow up without the benefit of easy access to X-Ray glasses due to the Volmstead Act passed in the future. These generations will make up the vast majority of law enforcement officials, who will all be craving a peep show, and not know why. 97% chance.

You have a .002% chance of breeding space animals, in the future. The difficulty of locating a space animal is tremendous… Locating two will prove to be more difficult. Convincing the two space animals to hook up… unlikely. .002% chance.